OK, it's the wee small hours of the morning...and it's the time of night when Demons come out to play, to taunt and to haunt...
Much is happening for me right now in terms of creativity. THE WATCHER is looking gorgeous, there is still much to be done but the talent I am surrounded by is as fully immersed in it as I am, bringing their very special talents to it. RANK goes into rehearsal next week, and this time I'm acting in it as well, the role I'm taking is a very sizeable one, a role once played by a very close friend of mine, a ferocious and precocious talented man named Clyve Bonelle. I could have recast, brought in a new face, and indeed I know many talented actors out there that I could have brought in, but I'll hope to work with them in the future instead. I feel it wouldn't have been right for this production to bring a new face in, it's all way too, too personal and sensitive. He lit the stage up in that role, I am in no doubt I have very big shoes to fill, but I won't let him or indeed my fellow cast members down. It's a mountain to climb, but I already know he's urging me on. Clyve ain't here at the mo, but he'll be back in Paradise Heights when he is good and ready, he's been with us all the way so far, he still is in spirit and will be in person when the time is right. So...much to look forward to...
...but it's that time of night.
It's the time of night when I'm pacing the Fortress of Solitude here and over analysing what I think I do and have done WRONG. The enormous personal cost this obsession with story telling has had on me, and indeed those that have once been, and those that remain, close to me. Those thoughts are far from comforting. I dislike myself for that intensely, but I can't stop what I'm doing - if I did I genuinely think I'd end up dead. Don't get me wrong I don't hate myself all the time - just a significant portion of it - the true cost of being a genuine Gemini Man. This blog helps offload some of that - I don't think it burdens anyone 'out there', I think it just tips it a little out of me and into some grave on the internet, a half filled grave that I can visit now and again and top up some more - get it nice and comfortable looking before I 'rest' in it.
But that rest is a long time off, even if I don't get done what I want to get done whilst I'm here, I'll come back and haunt until it's done ;) Such is the obsession - no - Love - for what I am doing. As much as the drug cost me - it also saved me; if I didn't have this I would have gone under some time these last few months. The loss still hovers over me like a persistent cloud - the memory will always be there but that cloud is diminishing, I can see some stars in the night sky now - the dawn is still some way off but it's inching closer, I'll put what I have learned to good use, I don't want to be 'there' again.
I am more driven now than I have ever been before in my entire life. That drive has brought me into contact with some amazingly talented people, many of whom are as driven as me, many with surely golden futures and it is an absolute pleasure and honour to be working with them all. I am a very lucky man and I count my blessings that I had my work, that I am STILL here, and that I am working with them.
The brakes have gone, the engine is fully gunned, the machine is going faster...thank God, the road is long.
Joe xxx
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